Let Me Give The Sh*t Some Context.

I got some 'splainin to do! From that last entry y'all prolly wondering about a couple of things. Basically, dude is the muthaf*cka that I have spent the better part of adulthood trying to shepherd into maturity. My friends and I call him "my husband who doesn't know he's my husband". In a host of ways, this man appears to have his sh*t together. If you meet him you will instantly love him. He's intelligent, well-spoken, considerate, charismatic and handsome. Yet, when you look deeper, if he allows you to, you see the craters in the foundation. The f*cked up thing is that I came to accept those craters a long time ago and his is too f*cking daft to be appreciative.



He has 3 amazing sons. His eldest son is the product of the most tumultuous and painful part of history. Hence, a part of the reason I feel he doesn't talk to me about him so much. That and the fact that he is not the custodial parent. The two youngest have become a really central part of my life. Until December, we all lived under MY f*ucking roof as one happy "family". Then dude lost all his muthaf*uckin' marbles.



I have not sought to put strict definitions on my relationship with dude. Definitions seem to make him jittery. My take is that we just are what we are. Now the kicker is when you ask him what we are. I have tried before and his explanations are incoherent, to say the least. This muthaf*cka would with one breath tell me some sh*t like "you're the only friend I have", then say some old dumb sh*t like "you're an easy target to be taken advantage of by me". WTF?!?!?! Schizo!!! This is the same f*ck who asks me not to care about him but will NOT get the hell away from me!!! Muthaf*cka just will not go. Sh*t the damned universe will not let him leave. He's like Mr. in The Color Purple and until the time that he starts to rectify the dumb sh*t he's done to me, his life is always gonna be this pile of sh*tty stops and starts. He is always going to NEED me. The problem is that he just won't acknowledge that need and accept it for what it truly is. I know that dude loves me, the issue is that he has no clue what love actually is. I can recognize the sh*t he does as love. I can hear it in his disjointed argument of why I should NOT care about him. I can see him constantly struggling with it. I almost feel bad because he's so f*cked in the head but I digress. It is surreal to watch this muthaf*cka tussle with something that he cannot comprehend.

Dude is quite frankly a jackrabbit. He is the type to cut his nose to spite his face. He doesn't realize that he does it. He really thinks that the sh*t he does is self preservation. He thinks that isolating himself from people who care about him is protecting them. Sad. He thinks he is a master of mind manipulation. Every conversation turns into this study of his life philosophy. Usually I just go with it, not because I get it but because it makes more sense than arguing with a fool.

Anyway, dude has a plethora of issues and circumstances that continue to spiral downhill because he is too immature to see and nurture his blessings. His is spiritually inept and uninterested in making an earnest change. So, his life must break him.

As for that incident that happened to spark my last post...dude has been pushing it since December. Instead of him licking my boots for my graciousness on his behalf, he always has so much muthaf*cking sh*t to say. Here you have a n*gga without a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of, living in my basement, not contributing a muthaf*cking thing to the house and he has the f*cking arrogance to think that he can be f*cking upset about some sh*t that happens here! Ha! This is laughable. This muthaf*ucka who wants me to stop caring would not know what the f*ck to do if I did.

I could be a b*tch and tell him to take his sh*t and live on the streets. However, I've never been one to kick people when they are down. Further, I don't want his sons to suffer because he's an ignorant f*ck. That's the sad part in this, those boys need stability. They have been through a lot in their little lives. I care about them probably more than I should and I don't want them to have to have anymore discomfort if I can help it. So, I bide my time. I sit back and listen to the dumb sh*t dude says and believes in. I pray for him because he has no idea what's on the horizon. He wants to talk sh*t now but trust me he will lick my boots! Before it's all said and done, this n*gga will bow and recognize. He better hope I still feel something for him then.

Dawn wishes silly muthaf*ckas would grow up! Not everything is a cotdamned conspiracy n*kka!!!

Today, well technically yesterday, something happened that really pissed me off. I could see myself strangling dude and not even giving a sh*t.

Here's the set up...I'm chilling in the living room (my regular, serious work room) when I decide to listen to some material that has come across my desk. I pop the dvd into the dvd player in the family room, turn down the volume on the surround sound and go back to the living room to meditate and let the content marinate. A few minutes later I hear footsteps coming from the basement. I'm chill and thinking nothing of it when I hear dude asking if I was blasting my sh*t on purpose. I say no. He says that he was sleeping. I say I didn't know that. He says he thinks I did. I wanna say f*ck you but I keep it mellow and let him go about his business. I don't move to turn down my entertainment and I don't give him another glance.

I'm saying, though, what the f*ck? I don't know what the hell he does in the basement. I have purposely stopped going down there while he's there because I don't want to stay in his presence like that. Beyond all that sh*t, I coulda strangled him because here this muthaf*cka is talking to me again like I'm a f*cking animal. I get sick of him treating me like I am the source of his problems. I am neither the cause nor the beneficiary of his issues. His sh*t stems from the fact that he refuses to grow up. He refuses to stand up and stop thinking he has unlimited tomorrows. He refuses to stop leading with his d*ck and use the f*cking good sense God gave him. He's two kind of crazy. That's the source of his problems!

I'm so sick of these boys trying to play grown up games. Muthaf*uckas ain't got sh*t to show for their existence, everything inside and around them slowly falling apart. I wanna tell these b*tches like Celie in The Color Purple, "Until you do right by me everything you even think about gonna crumble."

As for dude, his ass ain't gonna ever have sh*t until the day he mans up and gives me my due! I vocalized it but God said it!