All Bulljunk Aside.

I think I am gonna try to give up my anger with dude! I think I am reaching the f*cking conclusion that he doth not know! Now, ignorance is no excuse but sometimes sh*t just is what it is.

He's lagging behind. He's floundering in a cruel world and is brave enough to think that he can do it all alone. I am woman enough to let him have his way.

The other day Mari Torres did a show on mental health. The sh*t was totally unearthing. I finally realized how f*cking crazy I am to continue to try to demonstrate worth to someone who does not even value themselves. A man who seriously loves himself does not look for ways to f*ck up their existence. A man who truly knows his power does not wield it to crush others for the sake of folly. A man who feels like he can do anything he sets his mind to does not spend his time running behind meaninglessness. So, if I now realize all these things about who and what he is, I can no longer be angry with him for my craziness in following his missteps.

It would be so simple if he would wake up and get his sh*t together instead of expending so much energy trying to make it look like he's got his sh*t together. At some point I just believe muthaf*ckas get tired of moving sideways and backwards. He's been stuck on the same stupid sh*t for years now. He has periods in which it looks like he is experiencing growth and then he relapses. His set backs are these major f*cking earth shattering events!

I used to buy into the reasoning that there was something wrong with me. I see now that he is the one with the disjointed thought. He spends all his energy trying to project his problems onto others and diflect his issues with sarcasm and f*cked philosophies. The sh*t is smooth, no doubt. If you don't know the truth about him, you'll definitely fall for the bulljunk. It's how he gets over. He has yet to understand that he is a force to be reckoned with. When he talks people listen but right now he ain't got sh*t to say. He still poppin' the same game he had when I met him. "N*gga, elevate yo sh*t. Conceptualize on some groundbreaking sh*t even. Make it hot! Spit fire and burn this b*tch down with passion about something other than shirkin' and jivin'. You are only f*cking yourself out of your best sh*t."

And just as I am typing this...in he walks! Okay, let's play nice. I can play nice. I'm still shaking my head, though. "Damn, dude, if you only knew who and what you REALLY are. Underneath all the false bravado and machismo, you are a really wonderful guy."

Dude is Trippin'

I don't think that I want the bulk of my blog to be about dude. However, when I see the stupid shit that emerges from his existence, I can't help but comment.

I should start by saying that since January I have treated him differently. I have not spent my time trying to be under him. I have not really talked to him about anything serious. I have not given him the respect of conversation or general knowledge. In other words, I have given him the same sh*t he has been giving me. Needless to say, that has been a problem for him.

So, this muthaf*cka now takes issue with the fact that I avoid coming into the space that he occupies. He comments to me that I find every way to get around having to be in his space with him. I told him he is absolutely correct. I am in now way denying the fact that I am avoiding him on that level. I wanted it to be blatantly and painfully obvious. I wanted this piece of sh*t to understand full well that the concept of HIM is dead to me.

Now, the question that springs forth for me is "why the f*ck does he care?" I mean, why is he concerned that I am avoiding him? This is the same d*ckhead that just in December told me that he wanted me to live my life unconcerned with what he was feeling or going through. This is the same punk ass muthaf*cka who told me that he feels relieved when I am not paying attention to him. All of a sudden it has become an objective for him to get me to share space with him. What the f*ck is that about?

When I cared, he had no clue what to do with that. He spent every moment trying to figure out how to get me to NOT care. Now that I have arrived at the "f*ck him" attitude, he wants me to chum up to him and be friendly. It's not gonna happen. As I said, that aspect of who he is, what we were is dead to me. Let his wretched ass sit in the dungeon of life wondering why the f*ck he gets no respect from me.

Trust me, he will soon beg for me to treat him with an inkling of the love and respect I once had for him. He will soon beg for all the things that I once gave so freely. He will very soon understand what he has lost trying to be the f*cking bigshot. He needs to grow up.