The Bane of Existence

Well, damn if I ain't tired of sweating dumb shyt. Unable to focus 'cause my mind is cluttered with craziness. Money-hungry people, crooked pranksters trying to stick me up for my little bit of space in the world. Scheisters trying to slick talk me out of my peace and into some scheme that lands them on a yacht 6 months out of the year. Yeah, right.

The other day I contemplating how I can get the utility companies out of my pocket. If I could afford it, I'd go solar or wind. I just imagine what my ancestors felt like waking up everyday and just BEING. Of course, their slavery was a bit different than mine. Cotton was king. Right now, it's all C.R.E.A.M. If you ain't got it on, you ain't got it home.

I recently read up on housing projects in Wikipedia. I had just watched Brooklyn's Finest and decided to do my research thing. While I was reading up on Brooklyn's Pink Houses and Chicago's Cabrini-Green, I was struck by the thought that in a minute this whole country will be the projects, the way we're heading.

How does anyone beat the odds? Ten percent of the population controls seventy percent of the wealth! They let the rest of us feel like we might eventually get to eat at the big table. Realistically, by the time you get there, you're probably only fit for the grave. You might get a year or two of good living and then they'll get it right back.

Listen, don't mind me. I'm just razzing society.

Posture for the Year to Come!

This post shall be brief.

It is dedicated to everyone who has, in the past, received my compassion, grace and loyalty. It is for anyone who thinks that they may have pulled the wool over my eyes at any point. It is directed to all those who may have tried to get over or take advantage of my generosity.

2010 has found me wiser, stronger and more certain about my future. It has found me more unyielding and uncompromising in my beliefs. It has found me unwilling to accept your incompetence, make excuses for your mistakes and carry you through life on the heels of my success. If you don't have your shit together when you ask for my audience expect to be left.

I am tired of people who lack vision and self esteem. If you don't believe in your own greatness, why should I? If you are unconvinced of your purpose, I will not allow you to derail mine.

No more time and energy spent on people who can neither understand or appreciate the gesture. Get your shit together. Get off your ass and maybe we stand a chance of helping each other grow and glow!!

No Fairy Tales.

I am told that there are such things as happy endings. In fairy tales. But this is real life and real life has its twists and turns that sometimes leave you wondering, “where's my happy ending? Shit, where is my anti-climatic utopia before the shit really hits the fan?”

This year has been one for the story books. It has brought me so many blessings that I should be overjoyed. I have met people who I can honestly say I can't believe I didn't know before 2009. I have reinforced relationships with friends from the past. I have carved out a place for myself in a harsh world. I have lived with integrity and learned with humility.

However, there have been just as many things to lament as to celebrate. Amazing, yet true to the nature of life, nothing happens until you are ready to receive it. Happiness requires only that we step out of sadness long enough to open our hearts and arms. At least that is what I keep telling myself as I try to walk through my sad times.

In reflection, I am not where I would like to be. I have experienced some difficult financial hurdles this year. I have more often found myself without things that I have spent a lifetime accustomed to. I have worried endlessly, or so it seems, about how I would make certain things happen. I have laid awake in the wee hours of morning praying for miracles. All in all, they have come. For that I am thankful. Yet, not to sound ungrateful, I would love to say that I am living in the time where I am strides ahead of the other rats in this race. I know that time is coming but I expend many thoughts on the wish that it was already here.

My story is by no means unique. I am sure many of you are also beleaguered by financial challenges, trying desperately to hold on to a smile while burdens pile up. I know that many of you may be far worse off than me. You may be facing mountains of bills, perhaps you have no idea where you will be sleeping tomorrow or the day after. So, I don't have to tell any of you how hard these times are. However, I will tell you this: life is a journey that none of us escape alive. The best you can do is live this moment with everything that you have. Be generous with what you do have and have faith that, in the end, goodness prevails. Such is the way of life.

No Rest for The Weary.

As if it wasn't bad enough that the King of Pop is dead, now you have all this bullsh*t journalism about it!

First off, I am so f*cking tired of people misquoting the man himself. I'm so f*cking done with these tired ass reporters continuously calling him a pedophile and child molester based on their own view of reality. Just report the f*cking news dammit! Michael Jackson was cleared in both trials. In the days after his death, it was reported that the first alleged victim LIED. People keep pointing to his interview with that crack pot assed Martin Bashir as some "smoking gun" of admission. Get the f*ck out of here! Sharing a bed with someone is not, by default, a sexual thing. People always want to push their perverted slant on other people.

Second, who the f*ck are all these nutballs who are sudden experts in the life of Michael Jackson? What the f*ck should we listen to them for anyway? No one can know what Michael Jackson was thinking, felt or wanted except Michael Jackson. People kill me, jumping in front of cameras trying to be f*cking experts. It's likely that their own damned lives are shot out. I'd like to see someone slice their lives open and watch them defend the dumb sh*t they do and say on a daily basis.

I'm tired!! I just want peace for the man. He may not have made the choices I would have made but he's human. As such, he deserved to be treated with respect and rest in peace. His family deserves justice, they deserve to know what happened to him. Everyone else deserves to mind their own f*cking business.

What The F*ck Are You Looking At?

I guess in this day and age we should be glad if anyone sees any f*cking thing. Muthaf*ckas act like they are so wrapped up in their own pathetic sh*t stories to give a damn about anybody else. Truth of the matter is muthaf*ckas see everything. They only acknowledge the sh*t that they feel can benefit them. If some sh*t you did can advance their position then they are all over that sh*t like flies.

It would be one thing if you were being looked at as the individual you are, possessing unique qualities and abilities that could benefit society. Instead, most muthaf*ckas are studying you to predict your downfall or, in some cases, plan it! If you think I exaggerate then observe the people around you. Ask yourself what their motives actually are. Are they helping you achieve your goals? I would dare to say that the majority of your associates are steadily putting a buzz in your ear about how unrealistic your dreams and aspirations are. I would even go as far to say that it is not that they don't want you to succeed. Rather their desire is that you are unable to surpass them.

These are the muthaf*ckas who scrunch up their faces whenever you mention a new idea. You say you want to paint a room in your house and they ask you why. You decide to upgrade your ride and they tell you the broke down piece of sh*t you are driving is fine. You put your child in a better daycare and they ask why you want to spend that extra money. 'Cause I don't want my kid walking around thinking that schools should smell like piss and vomit.

You just want to scream at these f*cked up a$$holes, "What the f*ck are you looking at?! Pay attention to what the f*ck you are doing and just maybe we can both get some f*cking where. Stay in ya lane nikka!"

You know, you don't have to do the sh*t I do. Your story ain't the same as mine. So what, you think I'm siddity? Who f*cking asked you? I know what the f*ck I am. I live with me every second of everyday!!! So what the f*ck are you looking at? There is very little you can tell me about myself that I don't already know. You can't see sh*t about my emotions, my thoughts or my beliefs from the outside. So seriously, what the f*ck are you looking at?

The truth is you don't f*cking know. You think you know from a glance that we may have shared. You think you know because you heard a phrase that was uttered. But you don't f*cking know. You can try to look deeper but you will never know. You will only see through the prism of your own experience what I choose to show you. So, stop staring in attempts to dissect my sh*t. Stop gawking in amazement when you glimpse the outward manifestations of my inward struggles. Just do you and everything will be fine.

I Ain't Dealing With These Jokers No More!

I have decided to stop competing with nothing niggas. I have spent too much time trying to win brass rings and shiny Cracker Jack prizes. My competitors ain't currently got sh*t worth winning.

Too many people raise their kids comparing them to other that they think are on the right track. "Look at Suzy Q down the street! You think she bringing home these kinda grades?" When we are younger we don't have the power of mind to even ask ourselves what the f*ck Suzy Q has to do with us. We just accept the shame and guilt of the comparison. Then we walk around wishing to push Suzy Q in front of the damn school bus. Years later when we get back to the class reunion we see that Suzy Q is a cotdamned basket case, seeing multiple therapists for f*cking mental torture that she is self inflicting in the need for perfection. Meanwhile, her whole f*cking life is falling apart because she's been through 3 failed marriages and has 5 wild, uncontrollable rug rats she's raising alone.

I want to be competitive with that muthaf*cka who's got the right spirit and mindset to get ahead. I want to get down and dirty in it with that person who doesn't have a vocabulary of failure. I want to one-up the person who understands what it means to really live, undeterred by fear or self loathing or ten thousand other things that make people strive to reach the gutter instead of the stars. I want to win against the person for whom mediocrity is NOT an option.

I came into 2009 with a new way of looking at life. I had not even declared the sh*t fully. I just knew that I needed to focus on something else to get somewhere else. In retrospect I have lived these words since January. I just never declared them. My 2009 motto..."I deserve better. If you can't be better then you need to be elsewhere." Not that I have put people on the chopping block however, I'm done competing with nothing niggas. That has stolen my focus for far too long. There are certain things that are my birth rite in this life. My happiness is one of these things. I will never claim it if I am competing with miserable people to be the most miserable.

The time has come! It is right now. There are too many successful, happy people in the world. Why can't I be one of them? F*ck these jokers who think life is supposed to be a stream of unyielding pain and suffering. Life is supposed to be full of wonder moments of extraordinary love and purpose. Life is supposed to be smiles and laughter mixed with tears of understanding and recognition. We all know bad sh*t is going to happen but it doesn't have to end all that is good. So, I am going out there and getting with the people who don't let crazy sh*t get the best of them. I'm making myself competitive with the folks who squeeze the pulp out of life's lemons, using creativity and vision to make the best damn lemonade ever tasted.

"I deserve better. If you can't be better then you need to be elsewhere!"

All Bulljunk Aside.

I think I am gonna try to give up my anger with dude! I think I am reaching the f*cking conclusion that he doth not know! Now, ignorance is no excuse but sometimes sh*t just is what it is.

He's lagging behind. He's floundering in a cruel world and is brave enough to think that he can do it all alone. I am woman enough to let him have his way.

The other day Mari Torres did a show on mental health. The sh*t was totally unearthing. I finally realized how f*cking crazy I am to continue to try to demonstrate worth to someone who does not even value themselves. A man who seriously loves himself does not look for ways to f*ck up their existence. A man who truly knows his power does not wield it to crush others for the sake of folly. A man who feels like he can do anything he sets his mind to does not spend his time running behind meaninglessness. So, if I now realize all these things about who and what he is, I can no longer be angry with him for my craziness in following his missteps.

It would be so simple if he would wake up and get his sh*t together instead of expending so much energy trying to make it look like he's got his sh*t together. At some point I just believe muthaf*ckas get tired of moving sideways and backwards. He's been stuck on the same stupid sh*t for years now. He has periods in which it looks like he is experiencing growth and then he relapses. His set backs are these major f*cking earth shattering events!

I used to buy into the reasoning that there was something wrong with me. I see now that he is the one with the disjointed thought. He spends all his energy trying to project his problems onto others and diflect his issues with sarcasm and f*cked philosophies. The sh*t is smooth, no doubt. If you don't know the truth about him, you'll definitely fall for the bulljunk. It's how he gets over. He has yet to understand that he is a force to be reckoned with. When he talks people listen but right now he ain't got sh*t to say. He still poppin' the same game he had when I met him. "N*gga, elevate yo sh*t. Conceptualize on some groundbreaking sh*t even. Make it hot! Spit fire and burn this b*tch down with passion about something other than shirkin' and jivin'. You are only f*cking yourself out of your best sh*t."

And just as I am typing this...in he walks! Okay, let's play nice. I can play nice. I'm still shaking my head, though. "Damn, dude, if you only knew who and what you REALLY are. Underneath all the false bravado and machismo, you are a really wonderful guy."