All Bulljunk Aside.

I think I am gonna try to give up my anger with dude! I think I am reaching the f*cking conclusion that he doth not know! Now, ignorance is no excuse but sometimes sh*t just is what it is.

He's lagging behind. He's floundering in a cruel world and is brave enough to think that he can do it all alone. I am woman enough to let him have his way.

The other day Mari Torres did a show on mental health. The sh*t was totally unearthing. I finally realized how f*cking crazy I am to continue to try to demonstrate worth to someone who does not even value themselves. A man who seriously loves himself does not look for ways to f*ck up their existence. A man who truly knows his power does not wield it to crush others for the sake of folly. A man who feels like he can do anything he sets his mind to does not spend his time running behind meaninglessness. So, if I now realize all these things about who and what he is, I can no longer be angry with him for my craziness in following his missteps.

It would be so simple if he would wake up and get his sh*t together instead of expending so much energy trying to make it look like he's got his sh*t together. At some point I just believe muthaf*ckas get tired of moving sideways and backwards. He's been stuck on the same stupid sh*t for years now. He has periods in which it looks like he is experiencing growth and then he relapses. His set backs are these major f*cking earth shattering events!

I used to buy into the reasoning that there was something wrong with me. I see now that he is the one with the disjointed thought. He spends all his energy trying to project his problems onto others and diflect his issues with sarcasm and f*cked philosophies. The sh*t is smooth, no doubt. If you don't know the truth about him, you'll definitely fall for the bulljunk. It's how he gets over. He has yet to understand that he is a force to be reckoned with. When he talks people listen but right now he ain't got sh*t to say. He still poppin' the same game he had when I met him. "N*gga, elevate yo sh*t. Conceptualize on some groundbreaking sh*t even. Make it hot! Spit fire and burn this b*tch down with passion about something other than shirkin' and jivin'. You are only f*cking yourself out of your best sh*t."

And just as I am typing this...in he walks! Okay, let's play nice. I can play nice. I'm still shaking my head, though. "Damn, dude, if you only knew who and what you REALLY are. Underneath all the false bravado and machismo, you are a really wonderful guy."